Bad Advice Lady

07:52pm 16/12/2008

Veronika wrote

How can I get a strippers butt?

Dear Veronika: How familiar with human anatomy are you? I recommend acquiring some basic knowledge of the muscle & bone structures of the thighs & lower back before you begin. Clubs located on the lakeshore provide much darker parking lots and fewer concerned bouncers escorting young nubile dancers to their cars. Don’t “stake out” the girl ahead of time – this will put you on the police’s list of potential suspects to interview. Just wait for the perfect silhouette to saunters towards her car, not noticing you carefully hidden in the bushes. Remember, the keys are refridgeration, preservation and plastic wrap. Don’t discouraged if it doesn’t work out perfectly the first time. Practice makes perfect, and don’t worry, strippers aren’t real people anyway.

Kate wrote

I'm addicted to scrabulous, what do I do?

Dear Kate: I too have struggled with the demon of addiction, how many cocks a day are you sucking now? 15 was my limit, and we all have them. What you need to know is that someone, somewhere loves you – it’s not me, please don’t write back – but they love you despite your habit and just might be willing to help you though this. Detoxing is hard, and you’ll need all the support you can get. The first step is admitting to your loving ones that you have a problem. But maybe I’m just projecting now, who am to draw the line between an addiction & destiny? Some might say that you are drawn to the things that showcase your skills, so why not look into the future of scrabulous. If you quit your job and start training now you could qualify for the world championships {event coming soon} signing sponsorship deals for millions! And wouldn’t THAT be a cool story to tell your grandkids?

Chris wrote
What should I do about my love life?

Dear Chris: I love answering questions that are so incredibly broad that I couldn’t even begin to address the bountiful issues to which I assume you are referring. If your love life stinks so much, you’re obviously with the wrong person. Leave whatever slutty susan you’re with and start hitting the scene again. Don’t wait for her to leave you, like everyone else you’ve ever cared about. It’s time to take control, time for you to hold the still beating heart of a spurned lover in your hands. It’s all about you baby. Turn off your phone and hit the club, find at least one companion for the night and let the now-ex wake up to the squealing orgasm of her broken heart.

Adam wrote

I have a loving, sexually and emotionally satisfying relationship with a wonderful girl who would go to the ends of the earth for me. Should I go visit an escort?

Dear Adam: Personally I think they should come to you, but I’m old-fashioned like that.

mood:

high

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The truly disturbed
		03:09pm 27/02/2008
	Tim wrote I met a Pixie once and haven't been able to get her out of my mind since... Is something wrong with me? Camille wrote Dude... It happened to me too! She was surrounded by rings of fragrant smoke... Or was it all a dream? Dear Tim & Camille: I have never combined an answer for two different people before. But I’m worried for you both; developing a hallucinogenic fetish could have serious long term effects on your psyche. Sexually based delusions, specifically those involving childlike characters could indicate a predisposition towards paedophilia. In such cases I would advise staying as far away from children as possible, don’t go near parks, schools, malls, anywhere there might be people under the age of 12, and I do mean anywhere - that includes family. Yes, this may restrict your lifestyle to late night strolls, strip clubs and online shopping, but truly, I think the benefit to society vastly outweighs any imposition on your individual rights.
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Bad Advice Lady Responds
		02:05pm 20/02/2008
	Morph wrote I ran into Henry (the dog from my bad day) yesterday for the second time in as many days. He was in a car and I was in a car and our eyes met and he didn't nod or acknowledge me or our previous meeting. What does this mean? Dear Morph: While I can appreciate that you feel you’ve been given the brush off, I ask you, what have you done for Henry recently? In what manner have you shown yourself worthy of his acknowledgement? That is to say... have you even given the old chap’s rear a cursory sniff? And although I am not one to imply that you should base your self-worth on the opinions of others, it is important to realize how your lack of deference may have contributed to Henry’s dogmatism. As humans, we are often so caught up in our own world of cell phones & strip clubs that we breeze by the subtle formalities of interspecies relationships. If you want your next encounter to be more rewarding, you should ensure that your head is lower than his; crawl towards him {I find navy seal style is best} and begin by licking around his jaw & lips. Next, present your underbelly for inspection making sure your throat is exposed. And it wouldn’t hurt to let yourself get humped a little. Oh, you may balk at the idea, but if you’re serious about making this relationship work...
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Dear Bad Advice Lady
		03:51pm 18/02/2008
	Jay wrote I have a huge blunt and no one to smoke it with...do you know a pixie who likes to share?? Dear Jay: Is that what you kids are calling it nowadays? I just can’t keep up with the slang anymore! Hon, if your ‘blunt’ is as big as all that I can’t imagine you’d have much of a problem getting someone to ‘smoke’ it. In my opinion, you just need to get yourself in a position to show it off to the right people. I’m a girl who loves to play the odds, and I happen to know that 1 in every 5 women love their ‘blunts’ big. So, you need to go where the girls are. Both Slack Alice & Pope Joan are bars in downtown Toronto that are always FULL of women. How could the odds get any better? Bryan wrote I am a proud owner of a bull whip I fashioned out of several hundred dildoes. It is my pride and joy and took nearly 4 years in seclusion atop Mount Fuji to complete. It is 18 feet long and is aching to cock-flog someone. My question is: where is the best place to meet people who would dig a cock-flogging and/or want to cock-flock me. Dear Bryan: I must start by saying how truly impressed I am. The kind of dedication you demonstrate will serve you well as you re-enter society. I am also impressed by your focus and the financial commitment you are prepared to make in order to achieve sexual gratification. This will also serve you – and hopefully many others – well. The only problem I can foresee is, well, size. You are going to need a lot of space to swing that thing around – a minimum 40 square feet of uncluttered floor space & depending on your height, about 30’ ceilings. In the city, it can be hard to fill those requirements for cheap. I propose you head to a large outdoor area, a park or schoolyard maybe, and start ostentatiously practicing your cracking skills alone, I guarantee, you won’t be a solo act for long! Oh, and Bryan - I know some folks who would be very interested in helping you apply for any necessary patents...
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